This is the iron pressed cold on my shoulders,
not tang in my mouth.
Fearless, thoughtless, a caress too casual to be real, to firm to be denied.
How do I learn to let go?
when everything has already left.
Oh how I wish.
But I don’t know how to be something
I shrug at the winds of the where of the why.
They weigh too heavily on this anchor mine.
They ache and pull and climb
And I feel them rattle a groan through my spine.
This is the burden I bear tonight
and every night
since I arrived too far from you.
Too far from me.
You thought I wanted my privacy.
And I did.
But not from you. Never from you.
I don’t like being so far away from my friends. I miss being able to:
look them in the eye,
hugs and shoves,
mad ravings late at night,
baking things for them,
distracting them from their problems,
providing a stress-free zone,
trips to Walmart,
singing to musicals (with hand motions),
singing to Disney movies,
picking up each other’s habits,
correct their grammar,
generally being a playful nuisance,
love them from two feet away.
There is a knock at the door that is no door to the place I once was, and it shakes the walls of me.
That is the loneliness talking. Not a sharp pain. Or a knife in the heart.
Just a knock. A constant, rhythmless, knock.
And a reminder, that there used to be a door.
People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all, has happened. I graduated today. I’m a college student, did I ever tell you that? It’s a lovely school, and in a week I will be somewhere really depressing, like a big city. Soon, it’ll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably thing it’s a tribute to growth, the way life keeps changing on your, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know because that’s the sort of thing I’m always saying. But the truth is…I’m heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my refuge has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right.
I will be with you. You ask me to go, and I will stay with you. I will go there with you. I will go wherever There may be.
There are rules unspoken and silent and strong.
And when you break them, I must wonder at the choice you have brought to me.
I either suffer them to be lashed.
Or set you to flames myself.
It hurts my heart to see you misunderstand.
You are not the only one I would bleed for.